Learning together: The "How-tos"

When I first moved to "Little Burma," part of my responsibility was to teach my housemates (newcomer refugees) how to do things in America, like using appliances, sanitation, etc. I must admit that I pretty much failed at this task. I was incredibly nervous and intimidated. These women were older than me, had families of their own, had much more life experience than I did, and had survival skills out the wha-zoo. (Not to mention, I didn't have a great knowledge of appliances beyond a microwave - which they absolutely never used). I had no clue how to teach them without coming across as bossy and superior. And I was confused about what was essential to teach them and what to let go of. I learned a lot during those years - I have Brenda Neuenschwander, Becky Adams, and others like them to thank for the wisdom I am about to share.

You do not need to be bossy. Be humble, patient, and loving. If you are teaching essentials, explain why they are essentials. If you are teaching non-essentials, explain why we prefer to do it this way, and let them know it's optional. Whatever you teach, demonstrate it in real time, at their house or your own. Do it yourself a couple times, and then guide them in doing it while you watch and give feedback. Make sure they feel very comfortable with it - even if it takes a few visits - before you let them do it independently. And make each lesson an opportunity to build mutual trust - bridges in your friendship.

1. Explain things that could get them in legal trouble. There are social services/government protocols in place in America that are not in place in other countries. We had supplied mattresses and beds for each person in the family, but more often than not, the families preferred to put the mattresses on the floor and have everyone sleep close together. We could understand why they would do this, given their background and the hardships they faced. But some families get into a lot of trouble with child protective services because this is seen as a neglect of basic needs. Do some research and be aware of the things social services would consider neglect, abuse or dependency, and explain these things to your friends, to protect them.

2. Explain things that could be physically harmful. Internationals who are used to getting fresh eggs probably need you to tell them that eggs we buy in stores must be refrigerated. Don't overload electrical outlets, don't leave the gas in a gas stove on, and don't mix water and electricity. And there's the all-too-common issue of bed bugs... a good reason to wash clothes regularly and not leave them in a pile on the floor. The bathroom routine - using toilet paper, flushing, and washing hands - should be something you take time to go over, and not assume. When you talk about these things, make sure to explain why so they don't dismiss them as just silly American ways of doing things.

3. Explain things that could make life easier for them. They may be used to washing their clothes by hand, or sweeping the whole house with a broom, or walking for miles to get places. There's nothing wrong with these things, so make sure not to push too hard for them to let go of their familiar ways... but ask if you can show them your way. Demonstrate how to do laundry with a washer and dryer, how to use a vacuum or Swiffer mop, and how to navigate the public transportation systems in your town. You might find that these things amuse, please, and relieve your friends of a lot of extra time and energy.

4. Learn new things together. Don't always be the know-it-all... ask them about things you don't recognize in their kitchen, or how to do things you see them do. I was amazed at the skillful way Burmese mamas sling their babies on their backs! And I'd never seen someone use a pressure cooker before I lived in Little Burma. Make sure that for every new thing you teach, you are learning something new, too.

When you invite them into your space...

I really love visiting the homes of my international friends. But I'm limited in the number of houses and apartments I can get into, with my wheelchair. I have a friend who is very allergic to peanuts, so going into a house where peanut oil is used liberally in cooking is not a good idea for her. There may be other obstacles or health concerns that limit the time you can spend in the home of your international friend. But just like speaking different languages, this does not need to be a barrier in your friendship. Inviting them into your space is just as important as being in theirs... and this is something I absolutely love to do.

When an international visits your home, you are the native, and they are the foreigner. So think and pray ahead of time about ways you can make them feel as comfortable and welcome as you possibly can. (This is when visiting their house first can really be a benefit!) Maybe have a comfortable seat available to offer them, and prepare something to drink. I like to keep my pantry stocked with tea and tea cookies! Here's a story about being prepared to be hospitable. Is there something kind and special you could do to honor them? It may be as simple as greeting them at the door in their traditional manner, or turning up your thermostat a couple degrees warmer than normal.

When an international visits your home, they become the learner, and you have the opportunity to be the teacher. This can be a very special privilege for both of you! I've had international friends over for specific things like a traditional American birthday party and Thanksgiving dinner. These are fun times to explain and demonstrate our cultural traditions. If there isn't a "special occasion," make it special by doing things you or your family love. Make a favorite meal like pizza, cheeseburgers, fried chicken, or macaroni and cheese, and introduce your guest to a favorite past time, like a board game, tag-football in the backyard, jigsaw puzzles, Charades, or a TV show. If you normally say a prayer before you eat, explain this and do it. While your routine might seem normal to you, you might be surprised at the response you get from your guest. It is special and unique because it is a glimpse into your life.

It's hard to know exactly how to strike a balance between making them comfortable and giving them a cultural experience. I don't think you need to go so far as eating your meal on the floor with your hands, or trying to prepare some complicated ethnic food. Remember, they have come to your space, to experience how you do things! Wouldn't you feel a bit disappointed if you visited an international home and they offered you a pepperoni pizza from Dominos?

I do recommend that if you are making a traditional American meal, that you include one dish that is a little more familiar to your guest - rice or greens or something. Steer clear (at least in the beginning) of making casseroles where all the ingredients are already mixed together; this makes trying new things intimidating! Don't serve pork or Jell-O until you know your friend well enough to know these are ok, based on their religious background. In fact, it might be a good idea to ask beforehand if there are any foods they are not supposed to eat. As your relationship develops, you could even get together to cook a mixed meal to share. One year for Thanksgiving, we had mashed potatoes, sweet tea, corn, wontons, and sambusa! Here's the story, if you're interested.

Because they are the learner, be prepared to answer a lot of "why" questions... try to anticipate some of these questions ahead of time, and think through good answers, instead of saying "I dunno... that's just what we do." Also take a look around your space through the eyes of your international friend. How does it look different? What do your decorations or cleaning habits say about what you value?

Time is often something we struggle with cross-culturally... If you say "Dinner is at 6," your friends may come early or late, and may hang around a while. In the beginning, meals with short prep work might be best, so as to avoid feeling frustrated over cold dishes or kitchen duty when you want to entertain. As your friendship develops and you gain more mutual trust, you can teach and explain the importance of time sensitivity in American culture. You might be learning to be flexible, but many other Americans will not be so understanding, so this is an important lesson for your friend to learn.

Finally, please remember that hospitality is much more than pulling off the perfect event. Do not get so wrapped up in the plans and preparation that you forget the goal: building bridges and breaking down barriers in cross-cultural relationships. Do this because you love the Lord, and because you want to show love to your international friend.

When you are in their space...

I need to follow up my last post with this note: You need to find out ASAP what is culturally taboo for your new friends. Are there certain foods they should not eat? Are there places they should not go? Are there situations you should avoid? Are there gestures you should not use? How you sit, look, eat, or touch can be either very complimentary or very offensive. I don't really want to write a post on taboos, because every country, people group, and culture has their own stuff. What I recommend is that you do a Google search: "cultural taboos in -country name-" to learn the major things, and then just observe, ask questions, and have lots of grace!

One of the best ways to learn quickly is to visit them in their space - their apartment or house. Ask if you can come over, and set a time with them. Put aside your hesitations that stem from your American upbringing - they do not see this as an invasion of privacy or an intrusion of their space. In fact, in every situation I've experienced, they love this!

Try to plan this time when you don't have an important appointment afterward... Again, don't have an American mindset: "Dinner with my international friends at 5:00, piano recital at 7:00." Chances are, if you arrive at 5:00, they may begin preparing the meal around 5:30, and you may not eat until around 7:00! To avoid feeling stressed, do not have an agenda. If you must leave by a certain time, make sure to let the host know, when you make plans with them: "My daughter has a piano recital at 7, so I'm sorry but it is very important that I leave your house at 6:30." Read a personal story about being time-conscientious.

It is a good idea to take a small, modest gift for the host, to thank them for their hospitality - flowers, a sweet treat, or something you made... or it could be something to say, "Welcome to America," like a good family friendly movie or a local souvenir.

When you enter their space, keep in mind that you are the foreigner. Do not expect their home to look or sound or smell like yours! The meals may be served on the floor, the thermostat may be set at 80 degrees, and the windows may be covered with big pieces of colorful material. Even though this house may be built in downtown USA, the minute you step through the door you might find yourself in a different country. And that is not only ok, it is beautiful and exciting and adventurous for you! This is where your international friend is in their element - this is their comfort zone and safe haven, where they know the rules and can relax in their own skin.

Because you are the foreigner, submit yourself to the role of learner. Pay close attention to everything! What do you see? Is there a pile of shoes in the entry? If so, take off your shoes too. Where and how are people sitting? Try to sit on a lower level than the oldest person in the room, unless they insist that you have a "seat of honor." What do the decorations tell you about what is valued? Ask questions, if you see something interesting or unusual; point, and say simple words like, "your home country?" or "you make this?"

Inevitably, you will be offered or given something... A bottle of water, a can of pop, a plate of cookies, or a full-blown meal. Take it! If they made a meal and want you to eat, eat it! Unless you have an allergy or legitimate dietary issue, I recommend that you not ask "What is it?" before the meal... sometimes we enjoy things more in ignorance. Read this fun story about a special eating experience I had. If you are sensitive to spicy things, eat small portions slowly, and eat more rice or bread. But please make an effort to try everything that is put in front of you. With that in mind, forget what your mother said about cleaning your plate! If you finish everything on your plate, your host is likely to continue to fill it indefinitely. They want to make sure that you know they have enough food to satisfy you. It is better to leave a little bit on your plate to signify that you are full and don't want any more.

Eating with an international family is an excellent opportunity to learn from them. Do they sit on the ground? at a low table? with their hands? with chopsticks? from a common bowl? using bread to scoop? Take this time to observe, ask a lot of questions, and imitate what you see. Let them correct you, demonstrate for you, and give you guidance. This is an honor for your international friends, to teach you something new.

After the meal, pay attention - who is cleaning up? Ask how you can help. What is everyone doing? Stay and watch the World Cup, or help the kids with homework, or listen to a story, if you can. When it is time for you to leave, thank and say goodbye to each person. If you feel comfortable, you may even ask if you can pray for God to bless the family before you go - blessings are rarely turned down! You may be completely exhausted and overwhelmed when you leave, but know that you have made significant steps in building bridges and tearing down barriers. You've had a cross-cultural experience that was authentic and intentional!

Beyond words: how to communicate across languages

You've made it through the greeting, and though it may have been somewhat awkward, you should feel encouraged - you've connected! But now there is still that nagging truth that you don't speak the same language. You may not even know the name of the language they speak! Sometimes there is a translator there who will be able to mediate between you, which is great. Praise the Lord for bilingual people! But many times there is not a translator... and let's face it, even if there is a translator at your first meeting, they will not be there all the time.

The good news is that communication is much more than words. In fact, some researchers have determined that the actual words you speak make up only 7% of how you communicate! If you want to test this, turn on a TV show and hit the "mute" button, and watch an episode. You'll be amazed at how much of the plot you figure out without the script.

Here are some other ways you can be prepared to communicate without words:

1. Gestures
Many people "talk with their hands," but how much do these gestures say? More often than not, we're just waving our hands around, punctuating words or working out our emotion. But many things we say can be accompanied by meaningful gestures - pointing to something we're discussing, demonstrating while we give instruction, pantomiming as we tell a story. Practice being intentional with your gestures. Play "Charades" or "Simon Says" with a group of friends. Give each other whole sentences or scenarios to act out - make it more and more challenging!

2. Objects/Props
The more you can use real-time objects to communicate, the better. For example, instead of trying to decipher a recipe, you could cook together, and indicate the difference between the sink and stove, the teaspoon and mixing bowl, the eggs and flour. Or instead of a pep talk about safety, get a well-supplied first-aid kit and open up the packages to show what a band-aid is and how to use it. Pizza might be an odd food for someone to wrap their brain around, so instead of a picture, make or order a pizza and show them how we eat it. Bring a bag of objects with you when you visit, just to use to "strike up a conversation"! The more concrete and hands-on you can make new concepts, the more likely a person is to retain that information. A fun way to practice would be to have some friends get together and each bring an object that they will use to carry on a non-verbal conversation for five minutes with the group.

3. Drawing/showing pictures
Sometimes you just can't get your hands on an object you need to discuss. So carry a sketchbook with you, and keep a great set of photos on your cell/smart phone. You don't have to be an artist or draw elaborate pictures to get your message across. The key is simple, clear, quick images that aid in comprehension. Practice by playing "Pictionary" with your friends and family! And one thing I like about this tactic is that the other person can draw pictures too, to get their message across to you. "Show and Tell" about your family, draw a map to your house or church. I have a friend who would detail whole church sermons to me in sketches:

4. Facial expressions
I said before that smiles are universal. In fact, many facial expressions are universal... sadness, excitement, anger, disapproval, surprise, fear, and confusion. Practice studying as many expressions as you can. If you are in a group, give everyone a stack of paper plates, and have each person draw a face on each side of the plates, showing different emotions or expressions. You could have a guessing game to find out what each face depicts, or you could all draw the same set of expressions and compare how similar the depictions are.

5. Tone of Voice
If you live in an apartment with noisy upstairs neighbors, you can attest to the fact that tone communicates a lot - it's not so much what you say, as how you say it. You can hear warning, scolding, comforting, cheering, and pleading in tone. I mentioned earlier that you should watch a muted TV show... to study the effects of tone, try to watch a TV show (soap operas are the best) or a movie in another language. See how much of the plot you can figure out by the way people sound when they are talking to each other - who loves who? who is angry with who? who is afraid of who? Practice being intentional in the way you use your voice to communicate. If you have a fun and dramatic group of friends, over-dramatize a Shakespearean play or make up your own soap opera.

I hope this gives you some ideas, and some fun ways to study and practice nonverbal communication. Even though we use them naturally and fluently with people who speak our language, we tend to forget that they are valuable tools we can use with people who speak a different language. So it's important that we intentionally develop these skills, so they become a more natural part of our communication.

First Impressions: Meet and Greet

Ok, so you know where to go to find international people in your city... now what? You find yourself face-to-face with someone (or a group of someones) who speaks a different language and has a different concept of socially acceptable norms. And while it all feels new and exciting, you suddenly are panic-stricken by the realization that you have no idea what you're doing and are in way over your head. Two of the biggest concerns in your mind are probably: I can't speak their language! and I am going to accidentally offend them! Well, these are probably both true. And guess what? These are true on their side too! But there is good news: these things do not have to keep you from having a beautiful friendship.

(Before I continue, I want to clarify that this blog series is intended for people who are seeking to have personal friendships and be in true community with international people. I believe the best way to develop these authentic friendships is through vulnerability, humbleness, and a desire to share and learn from each other. There are other blogs out there that are geared toward more professional business or political relationships, which should be approached with a lot of prior research and higher initial competence.)

There are three things I do before I first meet an international person...

1. PRAY. I pray for God to open good opportunities for me to meet people, and to give me courage to take the opportunities. Then I ask him to be our "translator" - to somehow help us understand each other beyond our different languages and cultural contexts. In my experience, this really does work! My Burmese friend, Pastor Meng Pu, taught me to do this. Whenever we get together, we pray this first. A few times when we did not pray, we became very frustrated and confused. Then we would stop and pray for clarity and understanding, and with God's help we were able to communicate much better. This gives the verse in Proverbs another level of meaning: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..."

2. SMILE. Smiling - when it is genuine - is an universal language! It sends the message that you are happy (happy to be there and to meet this person), and have friendly and good intentions. It puts people at ease, too. If you accidentally make some offensive gesture or try to say something in their language and it comes out all wrong, it will very likely be forgiven if you are sincerely smiling.

3. Have GRACE for yourself and for the other person. Remember how I said you will probably offend each other? Approach your encounters with sufficient grace to readily forgive if the person "invades" your personal space or "refuses" to make eye contact. And give yourself enough grace to lay down your pride and make mistakes and look foolish. You may not know what you're doing, and that is ok - just don't pretend you know it all! Be willing to admit you don't know, and be open to being taught and helped. This kind of humble vulnerability is a way to honor your new friend.

Greetings

Greetings are different all over the world, but the concept of giving a greeting is universal. If you are meeting someone from a culture you are completely unfamiliar with, offer a smile and "Hello," and observe what they do next. Do they nod, bow, reach out to take your hand, touch your shoulder, or move to kiss your cheeks? Like learning a secret hand shake, follow their lead. If they don't give an indication of how they want to greet, you can offer to shake their hand, as that is customary in Western culture, or slightly bow or nod.

Err on the side of modesty, honor, and respect, though. If it is a group or a family, it is probably best for you to address oldest to youngest, and men before women. It tends to be more appropriate to be more affectionate with people of the same sex, too.

Of course, first encounters may be more formal, and as you become friends, the greeting might change. For example, I have a friend who is from Egypt, and when we first met, we shook hands; but after we got to know each other, she began to kiss my cheeks when we greeted.

Make notes to yourself of the greetings you learn - become a student of cultures. For example, if you encounter someone from India for the first time and they demonstrate/teach what is an appropriate formal greeting, then try to remember this for the next time you encounter someone from India. They will not be greatly offended if you greet in a Western way, but they will be impressed, appreciative - and what is more important, honored - if you are able to greet them in a way that is traditional and familiar to them. (For Indians, this would be to stand at arms-length, bow with your palms together in front of you, and say, "Namaste.") To make the effort to find ways to honor another person is a great way to get rid of barriers and build bridges to true friendship.

Where to Find International Friends

Where do you find international friends? Some people take trips to other countries and have incredible, life-changing cross-cultural experiences - and if you are able to do that, I absolutely recommend it. But what if you can't - you don't have the money, you can't take the time off work, your responsibilities at home are full-time, or you can't physically handle a big trip? The beautiful thing is, there are people from all over the world who are moving here! We really don't have to go very far to have a cross-cultural experience. And we don't even need to be in a big city like Chicago or New York, praise the Lord! But your current lifestyle may not put you in the same places as your international neighbors, so you may have no idea how close they are. If you want to meet internationals and make some new friends, you can't just sit where you are and hope they will find you. Here are a few places you could explore:

1. International ministries/organizations

Speaking from personal experience, I recommend that you research what ministries or non-profits are already present in your city. They may function with a small staff and a small budget, but they are often the ones who have the best personal connections with the international population in your community. When I lived in Fort Wayne, I served with International House, which has been serving in the same area for about 15 years, and native Hoosiers are still shocked to discover it, right in their backyard! You may be surprised to learn that there are people in your area who are already providing services for international people. A quick Google search of your city, with key words like "nonprofits and charities" or "refugees and immigrants" could be a good place to start. And of course, don't underestimate the leaders in your church as a possible connecting resource.

There are also bigger organizations that have multiple offices around the country and the world. World Relief and Catholic Charities are just two of the well-known, well-established non-profits that can be found in many cities. Check out their websites below to see if they are near you:

http://worldrelief.org/us-offices

http://catholiccharitiesusa.org/find-help/

2. Resource centers

Many social/community resource centers help international people, such as free medical clinics and language learning centers. The Red Cross, Salvation Army, and the YMCA are also places where families will go for support. You may want to volunteer or find part time jobs in one of these places.

3. Places of work 

Get out of your comfort zone and eat or shop somewhere you don't normally go! Authentic Mexican restaurants, Indian buffets, Chinese take-outs, or Japanese sushi bars are excellent places to try some delicious foods and meet some interesting people.  Also keep your eye out for local ethnic markets or boutique shops to browse and shop in. If it's the real thing, then chances are it's a small family-run business, and the people who work there are from that country. When you find a place you particularly enjoy, make an intentional effort to frequently visit. The owners or servers will start to recognize you and will be more friendly and open to conversation.

4. Churches

In my hometown of Winston-Salem, there are churches on every corner... sometimes two or three on a corner! I notice that some of the signs/marquees are in Spanish or Korean. I also know that there is usually a variety of nationalities represented in Greek Orthodox churches. Pay attention to the signs of churches in your community. Take note of the ones that are written in other languages or have international flags displayed, and maybe skip your church service some week to visit one of these churches. Be prepared to not understand a word that is spoken or sung, and be open to experiencing styles of worship that might look or sound different from what you are used to. This is ok - it's a cross-cultural experience! People will be very curious about why you are there, but will also be extremely welcoming to you.

Do some research, explore a new corner of your town, be an observer and learner... and pray for God to open your eyes to see the nations among us!

International ministry

Those of you who know me well, know how much I love international refugee ministry - learning from other cultures... being in community with people who are incredibly generous and hospitable even when they have very little in material possessions... offering help and hope to people who have experienced great trials and suffering... and witnessing the amazing dignity, strength, perseverance, and love that they hold on to... It's one of my greatest passions; it makes me feel so alive! My heart leaps at the sound of a foreign language, I can't help but smile when my eye catches a brightly colored African robe, and even the sour smell of tamarind recalls beautiful memories for me.

I've come to realize there are many people who don't reach out to international people, simply because they don't know where to begin. What if I can't speak their language? What if I accidentally offend them? What if I don't know how to greet, eat with, or even sit with them? Worst case scenarios can develop in our imaginations, and fear or prejudice or insecurity or ignorance can keep us in our safe, mono-linguistic, uni-ethnic, cookie-cutter world. Because of this, we miss opportunities to learn, serve, receive, give, and grow... and we have a very limited perspective of what God is doing in the world.

So I've decided to write a series of blog posts, with the goal and purpose of encouraging and informing people in how to make international friends. Maybe you don't know where to find them, or you just don't know how to connect with those around you. Maybe you have met some people, and feel helpless in knowing what to do to develop your friendship. I hope that as I share stories, strategies, and bits of truth that I've learned over the past few years, you will feel more confident and excited to reach out, build bridges, and cross cultures, wherever you are.

Pray for the Bible school in Myanmar

The tea was made, and the plate of sweet bread was laid out. Everything was ready, and now I just had to wait. I waited for a very special guest, Dr. Khup Lian Pau, to arrive at my Hobbit Hole. Meng Pu was visiting me earlier in the day last Friday and told me that Dr. Pau was visiting Fort Wayne for a few days. He had come in January to visit many different cities across the United States, and would be leaving in May to return to his church and Bible school in Rangoon, Myanmar. Dr. Pau was the man who led Meng Pu and his family to the Lord, in the 1970s. And getting to meet him was definitely an honor I did not want to pass up.

Meng Pu and his brother, John Tom, and Dr. Pau came and had tea with me. He is very intelligent and interesting to talk to, and he has very kind eyes and a warm smile. Dr. Pau told me how he came to know Jesus, and about his ministry in Rangoon. He teaches young Christian men and women at the Bible school, and trains and equips them to go back to their home villages with the gospel. He said that four of their students lost their families and homes last year in the tsunami, and are suffering from post-traumatic stress. He asks for prayer for them, and for all of the students to grow in their faith, and for them to have great courage and love, to share Jesus with the people in their home villages. Pray also for financial support for the school and for monthly sponsors to help pay for the students who attend.

I got to share my testimony and a little bit of my ministry with Dr. Pau as well, and then I got to pray with him before he left. He invited me to visit him and his school in Rangoon, and I think I would really like to do that some day. Until then, join me in praying for this incredible pastor and the students in his school.

Where did you come from?

This week my ESOL class from the college came over to my house for dinner. There are 16 people in my class, from 9 different countries! They brought food, so we got to enjoy things like Peruvian potato-cheese sauce, Tai noodles, and Haitian baked chicken. Mmmmm...! I was so proud of the way they all engaged each other in English language conversations. There was a lot of joking and laughing, too, which made me believe they were comfortable and happy and felt welcomed and loved in our little Hobbit Hole. 

As we sat around the dining room, our conversation turned to the topic of immigration - where did you come from? What was the process that you had to go through to get here? There was a variety of answers, all very interesting, and it was fun to learn more about their families and histories, and share ours with them. And as we recalled the steps that have led us here, I thought about how important it is for followers of Jesus to take time to remember spiritually where we have come from, and how we've been brought into life and freedom and redemption... 

"Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and the Lord your God redeemed you..." - Deuteronomy 15:15

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air... All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved." - Ephesians 2:1-4

"Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." - 1 Corinthians 1:26-27

"When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:20-23

My "planner"

I have this beautiful planner notebook for 2013, and I understand the concept of a planner, and how most people use them. I'm sure they are wonderfully handy and helpful to people who have busy schedules - it is very important not to miss appointments and meetings and parties. But I've developed sort of a different approach to my planner notebook... I like to write down a list of all the things that happened yesterday... 

Three years ago, I loved my planner because I could schedule and plan and look forward to things I would do on a certain day. And if things surprised or interrupted or delayed or completely changed my plans I tended to.... freak out. It was stressful and upsetting and was guaranteed to be the fastest way to put me in a bad mood. It's true - ask Kevan, or any of my college roommates!

Moving into full-time international relational ministry has been very good medicine... the kind of medicine that took some time to adjust to, and still threatens to make me wrinkle my nose, squirm, or gag on occasion. But I've noticed that the occasions are getting fewer and farther between. I'm settling more and more comfortably into a new way of looking at my to-do lists: Make a list and have a plan, but write it down in pencil, and have a good eraser handy. 

My international friends like to come early, come late, not come at all, come unannounced, come alone, or come with the family. And I've made some dear American friends here who have international hearts and minds, too. So I always start out with a plan for people who will come over or people I will visit, and by the end of the day, it seems I've had entirely different interactions... usually resulting in another soggy bag of tea in an empty teapot and some new homemade international food wrapped in foil in my fridge. 

When people casually ask me what I'm doing in the coming week, I've started smiling and shrugging and saying, "Well, we'll find out, won't we!" And you know why I am really ok with this outlook now? Because as I look back on the notes I make in my planner after the day is done, I realize that what happened tended to be more exciting, more interesting, and more beautiful than my original plan - it's even more obvious over longer periods of time. It's like God glances over my to-do list and says, "Well that looks all right, but I have a better idea..." And he always does. 

Last night, Hannah and I ended up at the home of some of our Burmese friends. Every other plan we'd tried to make all day had fallen through, and they came to mind, so we called them and they said to come on over, so we just did. When we got there, their dad made us coffee with sweetened condensed milk, and Thet Thet made us dinner - rice, sour bamboo, okra, shrimp, and cabbage. We sat around their table for a couple hours, just talking and laughing and eating, and we got to pray with the kids before we left. On our way home, I thought that, for all the things we had hoped to do that day, I am so glad that God cleared our schedules for some time with this family. 

Back to my "planner"... I like it much better, writing down God's plan - the things that actually happened. I'd rather look back on my calendar and see, not all the things I did or didn't do, but all the great things He has done. 

The tradition of giving thanks...

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. It's also been one of the most traditional. Here's my classic Thanksgiving Day tradition: 1) Being home with my family, 2) watching the Macy's parade, 3) watching the dog show, 4) having a fire in the fireplace even if it is 60 degrees outside, 5) watching my mom flit around the kitchen in her apron all day, cooking and smiling, 6) getting dressed up even if we go nowhere, 7) having turkey and pumpkin pie, 8) working on a puzzle/project with dad, 9) playing music with Kevan and digging out our favorite Christmas albums, 10) watching It's a Wonderful Life.

None of those things happened this year - absolutely none of it. I woke up this morning and felt a little bit sad that things were so extremely different, with no semblance of anything familiar. But at the same time, I wouldn't have traded the gifts of yesterday's celebration for anything.

My friend Anna is here visiting me from NC, and that is a huge gift. I got to be with Hannah too, and she has been one of the greatest gifts in my life in the past year - my Samwise Gamgee. And I couldn't help but think about last spring, and how I didn't think I would live to see this Thanksgiving, or at least that I would not still be living and thriving and growing in Fort Wayne. What a dark time in many ways, but it is such a testimony of the Lord's power and faithfulness and mercy to me, so even for that three-month time - what Hannah and I affectionately refer to as "The Curse" - I am truly thankful.

This Thanksgiving, we picked up six of our dear teen girls and spent the day with them in the kitchen and around the table. We decided that since the first Thanksgiving was about people coming together across cultures to thank God for his love and provision for all of them, we should do that here. So we made sambusas, chipote bread, wontons and wonton soup, mashed potatoes, corn, cranberry spread, cranberry and orange scones, and southern sweet tea. The air was filled with spices and fried oil... and it was delicious! We watched Beauty and the Beast together, and listened to Indian music and of course, Justin Beiber... who we are all quite thankful for. ;) 

I loved watching the girls work together, giggling and singing and talking. I am so thankful for each of them, and the precious times we've had together. I'm thankful for the ways I've seen them grow and mature and blossom into lovely young ladies who are learning what it means to really love. I'm so glad the Lord brought me to this city and gave me these friends. I'm thankful for this year, for all the crazy times of danger and heartbreak and joy and change and peace and adventure, and for the overwhelming love and grace I have received.

After the girls went home, we were quiet for a long time - watching from our big front window as our neighbors draped Christmas lights on their houses, drinking tea, and working on sewing projects like the Jane Austin characters we imagine ourselves to be. No, it wasn't traditional at all, but it was beautiful and rich.

Today we had apple pie for breakfast. Today the Christmas music playlist is being compiled. Today my thanksgiving can't stop. While the feast and the party is over for now, the tradition of thanks is daily, constant, and it just keeps overflowing...

"This is America!"

The other night at ESL class, two of my students were talking, and though I didn't catch the context, I heard the boy say to the girl, "Is o.k. Remember: dis eez Ah-meh-ree-cah!" The girl started to protest or give some sort of exception, but the boy stopped her - put his hand up, closed his eyes, shook his head, and in a mock-solemn voice that reminded me of an addictions counselor, he said slowly, "No, yoo don' un-der-stan'. Dis... eez... Ah-meh-ree-cah. So no problem. No worry. Is ok. Dis eez Ah-meh-ree-cah."

I couldn't help but think of dancing mice in that classic American Tail: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bC07e7PReM , and I just cracked up. I love that, whatever the issue was, its comfort and resolution was in the fact that "This is America." 'Nuff said.

Later on in class, I gave a reading response assignment for everyone to do on their own, and the boy seemed distracted and bored, so I asked him if he was finished already. "Oh, Miss Connie," he said in surprise, "We do alone? I think we do together!" I said, "No sir, we will check together later, but first you need to do your own work - in-dee-pen-dent! After all... this is Ah-meh-ree-cah!" Which led to the whole class laughing and mimicking: "Dis eez Ah-meh-ree-cah!"

I think we have a new class motto. :)

trudging through legal jargon

Sometimes I think the term "missionary" might be synonimous with "miscellaneous servant." It seems like every day affords me a new, unexpected, and thrilling challenge. At first, it knocks me off my feet like an ill-placed banana peel, but then I remember that the Lord is my strength and my song, and I delight to get back up and allow him to teach me, grow me, and be glorified through such an unlikely character as myself.

Today I can add one more thing to the resume... I'm just not really sure what to call it! Case manager? Government assistance assistant? Social worker? Tax payer advocate? Legal jargon translator?

My student came this morning at 10:00, and I was prepared to teach her English - something I feel pretty well equipped and qualified to do. She was prepared for me to help her apply for a job, fill out tax forms, report income for food stamps, battle the idiocy of the Medicaid office, and apply for a different phone service. I am SO unqualified for any of this. Though I have gotten somewhat prolific in some of these areas over the past year or two, it is only as a single person. Try doing all this for a widowed mother of three (one with special needs) who speaks little English and lived many years in a refugee camp, and it becomes ten times more complicated! My reflex was to run to my dad or the nearest patient and kind and experienced adult I could find... whichever was closer. Then I took a minute, as I surveyed the pile of legal forms and notices that she plopped before me, and took a slow and deep breath and prayed for divine understanding. And the adventure began.

Together we consulted her little notepad of her family's private information, then googled some legal jargon, then followed the IRS's papertrail through forms for dependents, child credit, etc. We had some questions, but we wrote them all down and found out where to go to get the answers, so she's on a mission this afternoon, and hopefully by tomorrow every blank will be filled. I don't know if it made her nervous that I wasn't experienced, or if she was comforted that it really was that confusing even to an English speaker. But we were able to laugh together and cheer with every form we completed.

For those of you out there who do know how to navigate the complexities of tax forms and Medicaid requirements... please pray about using your knowledge to serve and assist internationals in your community. It is difficult to find employees in government programs who are patient and compassionate toward speakers of other languages. Even if you do not speak other languages, use pictures, diagrams, gestures, and simple words to decipher these hard-to-read notices and forms for them. The fact that you will take the time to sit with an international person and trudge with them through it all will speak volumes about your love and care for them, and will bless and encourage them tremendously.

"...To bind up the broken-hearted..."

I never feel quite so helpless as I do when I'm sitting with someone's broken heart that I cannot fix. It's happened more times than I care to recall, and it's why I decided against a career as a counselor. And yet, as often as I try to avoid the situation, it keeps finding me, and once again I feel completely helpless, and all I can do is sit and cry and feel my own heart break too.

Yesterday it was one of my adult ESL students, who came in looking tired, but when I asked how she was, she smiled and said "OK." Then I asked if she had finished her homework, and she said "No." At this point I tend to want to roll my eyes and I think, "For heaven's sake, you had a whole week to practice ten new words, why didn't you?" But as I started to go there, she started to blink hard and managed to say, "My father... very sick... in Burma... I cannot..." and then crumpled onto the table in sobs. I also learned that her father is 85 and she hasn't seen him in two years and probably never will see him again. And on top of that her teenaged disabled daughter, whom she takes care of full-time and who hasn't had a seizure in a year, had a very bad one the night before and had to go to the hospital. And I know her husband has died and she is raising four kids on her own, so her lonliness and weariness is just crushing her, and why should she care about learning English right now and who am I to demand anything from her?

It took me so off guard that I couldn't really do anything for a minute except mentally slap myself for my insensitive assumptions.

My next thought was to grab some tissues, which were in my bedroom, but as I started to move she weakly said, "No, No, I'm fine," and pulled her own wad of tissues out of her purse. Clearly, she wasn't fine, but clearly she didn't want me to leave her side, even for a minute.

My next thought was tea... oh, how we could both use a cup of tea right then! But we were alone and I can't put the kettle on by myself and there was no way I could ask her to make her own tea. And once more I hated my disability for limiting what my heart longs to do.

My next thought was prayer. Why wasn't that my first thought? So I laid a hand on her arm and prayed for her and her father and her daughter.

Then I wondered what I could do next. She doesn't know much English, and I struggled to put into simple terms any measure of comfort. I begged God - not for the first time in my life - for the gift of speaking in a tongue that she could understand. But it didn't come.

I looked pitifully at the ESL workbook and lesson I had laid out for her, wondering how we could possibly focus on the difference between "this, that, these and those" under such circumstances. I chose to be a teacher, not a counselor! my mind screamed in frustration. Then a still, small voice said to my heart, "No, you chose to be a missionary." And what an unpredictable mixed bag that has turned out to be.

My student took a few minutes to calm down, and then threw herself into the English lesson in a way that made me realize it was a kind of escape for her from her hard life. We ended early, and she said she wanted to go home and sleep. I hope she did, and I hope she found rest and peace in Jesus too.

And so I bought two bags of tea cookies today...

I've decided to become a diligent student of the fine art of International Hospitality. This is a different art than Southern Hospitality, which I grew up on, the kind that is very laid back and help-yourself-to-anything-you-find.

I like that kind, because if I visit a southern friend and they ask if I want some "sweet tea" I can just smile and say "no thank ya, ma'am," and they say, "well you just let me know if you want anything!" and we move on.

But if I visit a Burmese friend, like I did today, and she asks if I want something and I say no thank you, she proceeds to place a plate of fruit, cookies, orange soda, energy drinks, and tea before me, and urges me to eat anyway!

Or if I visit a Chadaen friend, as I did this morning, she doesn't even ask, she just prepares a plate of three kinds of cookies and candy and plops it under my nose with a tall glass of juice, and sits back to watch me eat it. And if I try to leave an hour and a half later, she says, "No no, you not finish your juice! You not like?" with a mildly offended expression on her face that I can't resist, so I swallow the rest.

Or if I visit a Mexican friend, like I did last week, I enter the room and she immediately whips up a batch of homemade gorditas and tea. And I feel incredibly rude, because at that moment I recall that the last time she came to my house, she brought fresh flowers and two kinds of desserts... and all I thought to bring was her washed out tupperware container.

So I need to learn. I need to observe, and take notes, and think before I act, and buy more cookies. I think I may get a little cooler for my house, where I can stockpile snacks and drinks and gifts that are strictly set aside for hospitality purposes.

I do feel like I've come a long way since the summer two years ago when I came and nearly cried when I saw my Indian housemate drinking out of my mug. I'm much more relaxed about the things I claim as my own... learning over time that this world is temporary and everything I have is "on loan" anyway, and nothing - not my mug, my house, or even my momma's special homemade cookies - are mine to hold too tight.

But I gotta keep growing, keep learning, keep stretching. And I think in this season of life, one lesson to learn is how to not only let go of things, but to pour them out generously on others. Please pray for me as God develops these puny little hospitality muscles into something strong and beautiful!

Something to add to the resume:

Travel agent. Ha! Ok, maybe not. But I do feel pretty good about my most recent specialized service experience. A couple months ago, my Burmese friend, Ciin, asked me to help her book three seats on a plane to Seattle - she and her two brothers and little baby Sammy were going to visit her mother in Vancouver. This was a challenge for me, to say the least. For one thing, I've flown for free or cheap most of my life because my dad works for the airlines, and for another thing, I've never booked a flight because my parents have always done it for me. But I love Ciin and her family, so I prayed a lot while I navigated through this new adventure.

I helped her find the best deal, then I booked the seats on seperate credit cards, and used one brothers email address and my own phone number for the contact information. The brothers wanted round-trip tickets because they were only spending two weeks there, but Ciin didn't know yet how long she was going to stay, so hers was one-way. But they wanted to go out on the same plane and sit as close as possible together.

Ok, while it was quite a trick to make it happen, it was a success! They got out to Vancouver, Ciin called me to let me know, and her brothers returned home with no problems. But that was just the beginning...

Ciin called me again when she decided when she wanted to fly home. The date was August 5. She would be alone with an 11-month-old baby and a limited English vocabulary. I convinced her to take the non-stop to Chicago-O'Hare, which was the most time and cost efficient, and would be the least confusing for her. I booked the flight, put my contact information in, and Hannah and I assured her we would be there to pick her up.

Which brings us to today, when we arrived at the Chicago-O'Hare airport. Did I mention neither of us have ever actually been inside the Chicago-O'Hare airport? All I can say is, I wanted to volunteer my inexperienced self just to redo all the signs in that airport so that they make sense. Like when you come to an elevator that goes to three floors, and there is a sign with a list of locations next to the elevator, but it doesn't say what floor to go to for any of them. But we managed to find the terminal, concourse, baggage claim, and gate in time.

The concern happened when a number of people came through the gate, and a half hour after the arrival, there was still no sign of Ciin, or her baggage. I feared she had missed her flight and was still in Seattle, she had gotten on the wrong flight and was headed for Dallas, or she had been kidnapped and was headed to India. And I believed it was somehow my fault - I had failed my friend and ruined my chances of ever being a decent travel agent.

Ciin showed up about 45 minutes late because of an unreasonably long waiting line to the family bathroom, and we were thrilled to see she and our baby brother. But her luggage was still MIA. We found out that it had been put on a later flight, and it would arrive in about an hour. So, Ciin treated us to lunch that was strangely American for her - ham and cheese, chips, and orange juice. She told us about how she told her mother that we were coming to pick her up, and her mother said, "Oh, you have English friends! That is good!" And Ciin said, "They are my sisters - my English family!" Gotta love that.

This lunch treat began the deluge of generosity of Ciin... once we got luggage and found our car again, we drove the four hours back to Fort Wayne, with Ciin insisting on paying for the parking, all the tolls, and a tank of gas. We tried to refuse her money and begged her to let us do this for her and bless her this way, but she was stubborn and pushed coins and bills into our hands and crossed her arms. When we got her home, she rummaged through her bag and gave us a package, which she explained was a gift she bought for us in Vancouver. Then she prayed for us with so much love and earnestness that, even though we didn't understand her language, we started to cry.

I am thankful that I was able to help Ciin get "there and back again" safely and smoothly. But I started this adventure out, focused on what I was going to do for her, and she flipped it around on me as an opportunity to love and serve me. It's a little maddening, I'll be honest! But it's a consistent thing I have found in these international people that I've grown to love: I can't out-give them. They are financially poor, but they give and give and give so generously and selflessly and consistently without thought or hesitation that they are spiritually rich. Being around them, learning from them, benefitting from their giving, I am ashamed of the times I withhold what I perceive as "mine," and the times I think I've given enough. I am praying that I will let go of my selfish mentality and learn to give and bless abundantly as they do... as God does.

Burmese Soup for the Soul

"You need, I give. Burmese food, very good, you strong. Many vitamin, beef, chicken. I get, Ciin make, you eat." Understand? :)

Last week, Meng Pu came to my house early for his English lesson, and was very concerned when he found me laying on my bed asleep. "Sick?" he asked, and I explained that no, I wasn't sick, I just need to rest more because I am weak and need to regain my strength. Since then, he has made it part of his ministry to me to feed me well and nurse me back to health.

He gave detailed instructions to Ciin, his sister and my upstairs housemate, and for the past few days she has brought me a big bowl of homemade Burmese soup to eat. It's the consistency of oatmeal, but with rice, broth, herbs, and finely shredded chicken or beef. She says, "This Samuel eat every day; that's why he big and strong. You need to get big and strong like Samuel!" I look at eight-month-old Baby Samuel, with his pudgy cheeks, pudgy hands, and sweet grin of two tiny teeth... I think, I'm eating baby food, and I am going to gain ten pounds. But they all keep talking about vitamins, so I obediently eat every bite, simultaneously regaining protein and remastering a spoon. And it tastes good too!

Today Meng Pu was back - I thought it was for an ESL lesson, but it was really for a check-up. He wanted to know how I liked my soup, and assured me he would bring more tomorrow for Ciin to cook for me. He told me that Burmese people don't take pills because their food is full of vitamins and makes them very strong. He read to me from the Bible about the power of God, and then laid his hand on mine and prayed for me. Then he told me to go to bed and sleep, and eat Burmese soup later!

It is a good thing to be loved and taken care of...

Love through a firehose

My breathing is getting easier, though with this silly oxymeter on my finger and Albuterol making me shake every two hours, my typing is not. Small potatoes, though, compared to the feel of clean air returning to my chest and lungs and the pleasant flavor of chicken and cheese on my tongue again. As the code blue alert rushes nurses into action down the hall to the fading sound of the nightly waxing machine skidding across the floor, making their way swifter, I breathe - breathe thanks to the Breath of Life - because today I can.

One of my Women's Club students, Rosa, came by to visit me today. She laid hands on me and prayed over me in Spanish. Three of the youth night girls came by with new socks and chocolates and hugs. One of our Sunday students, who now works at the hospital, popped in and promised to check in again. Meng Pu and one of his daughters were here the other day to pray over me. My little songbird, Maelynn, lifted my spirits with a song of joy. All my sweet friends and helpers and ministry partners and family, who already do so much for me on my best days, have come by for the same thing too.

They've all come in and out of my room over the days, and leave by lavishing so much love... and today it honestly puzzled me. Why do these people have so much love for me? I mean, I love them, and I know they love me, but this love seems so much more powerful and transcendent... like, for every teaspoon I try to dish out I get knocked over by a deluge waterfall. There's no way I can keep up with it, it's just too big, and I am overwhelmed. I do not deserve this love, and yet I basque in it. Because I know no person on earth has the power to produce this.

I'm not good at formulas, but I feel like I'm beginning to learn one... that when you join God in his story, he leads you to his Springs of Life, where he fills you, and overflows you, so that the smallness of you is consumed in the greatness of His love, drawing others to the spring to be filled to overflow, and their overflow flows back into you and you into them, and the more people who gather, the more his mercies flow... the power of a firehose dowsing us, blessing us, filling us more.

Dear loved ones, from my teaspoon to your garden hose tonight, be filled with his love.

Bake Sale for Malawi

In January, I asked our youth night girls what their goals were for this year. The overwhelming unanimous response was that they want to help others and make a difference in the world. Since then, we've been praying for local and global opportunities for them to do just that.

Last week, we learned from some International Teams missionaries in Malawi that there is a food shortage crisis in the refugee camp there. You can read the details about it here: http://www.iteams.org/us/2012/03/rations-short-for-dzaleka-refugee-camp-in-malawi/. So Hannah and I told the girls about it on Wednesday night, and they jumped at the chance to do something to help - a fundraiser... a bake sale! Oh goodness... when was the last time I did a bake sale? ...Have I EVER done a bake sale...?!

Yesterday morning started at 7:30 for Hannah and I... we had a pot of coffee, made a grocery list of supplies and ingredients, checked it twice, and then left our list at home when we went to the store. This was not on purpose. We tried and were actually successful in remembering and buying everything we needed. Then we picked up one of the girls and ran home. Thet Thet and I organized the mixing, baking, cooling/decorating, cleaning, and publicizing stations around Little Burma, while Hannah and Shannon gathered the rest of the girls.

At 11:00, the girls started working. In three hours, they mixed, baked, decorated, and packaged four dozen brownies, two dozen cupcakes, two dozen chocolate chip cookies, two dozen sugar cookies, three dozen peanut butter cookies, two dozen cake pops, and two bowls of "Chips O' Joy." They also made and posted signs around our block, set up an attractive sales table, decorated price placards, and wrote little thank you notes for our potential customers.

At 2:00, they took their places on the sidewalk with signs and at the table, giggling and bouncing and anticipating a great response. They made up a cheer that they shouted until they were hoarse: "HELP re-fu-GEES in MaLAWi - Whoop!" At one point, one girl was very concerned that none of our signs said anything about our cause, so she made a long banner that said it in big, bright words. Near the end of the time, they even walked door-to-door in the neighborhood with their goodies. The result was $170! Today we took the leftovers to our ESL classes and earned about $35 more. We still expect a few sales tonight and tomorrow - our goal is $240. $10 can provide enough food for one person for one month, and $80 can provide food for one person for the rest of the year.

I was so impressed with the girls, and am still amazed when I think about their love - their eagerness to help, the joy they found in serving others and campaigning for the support of the hungry. That kind of love-in-action changes lives, and changes the world!

Making signs

The Street Team



Mixing...

...Molding...

...And Baking!

The Packaging Table

The Cake Pop Masters!

The Sale Table



We are so excited!

The Epic Sign

The Advertising Team

"HELP re-fu-GEES in Ma-LAW-i!"

If you weren't able to come to the bake sale but would like to give to help feed the refugees in Malawi, go to the link above, and it will tell you how to give. We invite you to join us in this cause!

Signs of spring: blossoms, African skirts, and joy

"You are good girl today!" My Somali friend beams and gushes as she gives me this very high compliment. I smile and hug her... she only says this when she is pleased with my "African look." Hannah braided my hair into cornrows, I'm barefoot, and my skirt is a flourish of bright colors and patterns. So despite my blue-green eyes, pale skin, and blonde braids, I'm about as African as I can get.

Me, looking as African as possible with my daffodils.

Hannah, being slightly more African than me
because of dark hair and actual experience in Africa.

Spring has sprung all over I-House this week, an unusually early start to the 70+ degree weather. The mass of tiny crocuses have come and gone, and have been replaced by daffodils and cherry blossoms. There's this pink-pink bush right outside my bedroom window that is just glorious, too. A week of sunshine has been very good for my winter-weary soul. Tuesday was officially the first day of spring, and also the Persian New Year, so all the women came to Women's Club in their most vibrant colors - pinks, greens, blues, and purples - looking like Arabian and African princesses, kissing and smiling and greeting each other: "Sal Mubarak!" So much joy, beauty, and peace blooming... an answer to our prayers. May this joy and peace continue to grow and flourish throughout the spring!