A Short Rest... much like the Hobbit

Of course, the question now is, if Connie isn't in the Hobbit Hole anymore, where is she? Well, after living and serving in Fort Wayne for four years, and after a summer of travelling the country (quite literally), I am back in North Carolina, staying at my parents' house for a while to rest and get refreshed, so I can regain some strength and energy, and be ready for the next big adventure... kind of like in chapter 3 of The Hobbit, when Bilbo and the company of dwarves went to Rivendell (for the Hobbit fans out there).

In fact, the account in Tolkien's book, of the respite with the elves, sounds amazingly similar to my own experience in coming home, from the warmer air, to the people who knew Bilbo so well, to the place being a bit out-of-the-way for their journey, to even the silly songs and long stories told by the elves - in my case, by my awesome nephews.

"All of them... grew refreshed and strong in a few days there. Their clothes were mended as well as their bruises, their tempers and their hopes. Their bags were filled with food and provisions light to carry but strong to bring them over the mountain passes. Their plans were improved with the best advice..." 

I have a pretty good idea of where my next adventure will take me, but like Bilbo, I don't quite know what route to take or how long it will take me to get there. I feel like I have a sort of map and a sort of plan, but the directions are confusing and mysterious to me. So I am here to rest, breathe, listen, seek the Lord, and receive wise counsel from people I trust. I intend to do a lot of reading and writing during this time as well, so check this page regularly if you want to know how the "secret runes" get deciphered and where the map leads...

The Yearling

"A mark was on him from the day's delight, so that all his life, when April was a thin green and the flavor of rain was on his tongue, an old wound would throb and a nostalgia would fill him for something he could not quite remember..."

Inspired by Andrew Peterson's album, Light for a Lost Boy, I recently decided to read the children's classic, The Yearling, by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings. The quote above is from the end of chapter 1, and set a foreboding mood for the rest of the book. Even as I read about all the beautiful, charming things the little boy, Jody, experienced, I had this feeling that something horrible was about to happen to destroy it all. It took me two months to read it because of this looming dread... I wanted the beauty to last as long as possible.

Over the span of one year, Jody experiences some things that change his life and make him lose his innocent childlike perception of the world... kind of an anti-Peter Pan story, much to my dismay. There is an overall feeling of not-rightness, as things die and fall apart around him, and his soul fights against it:

"Jody felt uneasy and miserable, alone at the edge of the marsh. The world seemed empty. Only over the scrub the buzzards wheeled, profiting... He climbed to the top of the load of hay and lay flat on his back, staring at the sky. He decided that the world was a very peculiar place to live in. Things happened that had no reason and made no sense and did harm, like the bears and panthers, but without their excuse of hunger. He did not approve."

Reminds me of this valley of white pines in Glacier National Park. A fungus is killing them... apparently about 30% of the trees in the valley are dead and 70% of the remaining trees are infected and are dying. And whether it matters to anyone else in the world or not, I do not approve. Death and decay should not be allowed in a place so beautiful and wild as that. In Jody's story, best friends shouldn't die suddenly, floods should not destroy everything, creatures shouldn't go rogue and kill each other for no reason, jealousy should not destroy friendships, relationships should not tear families apart, and he shouldn't have to kill the thing he loves more than anything in the world. And I'm sure you can think of the things in your story that shouldn't be... the painful, seemingly meaningless things that singe your heart and try to make you "grow up" - lose your hope and your faith in beauty, truth, and love.

I think the cruelest lie ever told was the one the serpent said to Eve: "You will not surely die..." If she had only known what death really meant - physical, emotional, relational death - surely she would have spat in his face and run back to Adam and God and the good fruit. But like everything else that fell in that garden, God will redeem this too. One of these days, he'll redeem it all - he'll bring life back to those white pines, he'll restore Jody's beloved yearling to him, he'll heal wounds and dry eyes and make things right. In the midst of the valley of dead trees and broken dreams, remember that, and let it be an anchor of hope.

As You Wish

"'As you wish,' was all he ever said... That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he meant was 'I love you.'"

I got to watch The Princess Bride tonight with some friends, and that movie never ceases to make me feel good inside... great characters, adventures, and quotable quotes. I've been thinking a lot lately about Westley and his famous quote, "As you wish" - his response to every command and request Buttercup gave. He was her servant, so he kind of had to do what she said; but he also loved her and because of that he submitted himself willingly to whatever she asked. Submission and obedience were the evidence of his love for her.

So I'm thinking that it is a good example to follow in my relationship with the Lord. I say that I love him, I tell him I love him... but does my attitude and response to his command always reflect that love? When I ask him for things and he says no, or when he tells me to do things I don't want to do, how often do I pout and resist and complain about how unfair life is, before I snap out of it and remember to surrender to him? Sometimes it takes me a while to get my heart in a position to respond to Him with "As You wish." And that is something I really want to work on in my faith... because if I am truly committed to loving, submitting to, trusting, and serving Him, this should be my automatic, ever-ready response. So I'm asking the Holy Spirit to change my heart in this way, so that in any and every situation, I want the things that God wants, and I delight to do whatever he calls me to do... As You wish... I love You.

The Unwelcome Fellow Traveller

I mentioned earlier that we listened to the CD dramatized version of C.S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy on our journey... and what a perfect story to accompany such a trip too... through mountains and across deserts and over rivers. I felt like we were travelling with Bree, Hwin, Aravis, and Shasta, and I half expected to see lions around any curve.

The day after the Grand Tetons, we drove through the mountains in Wyoming - winding roads around tall pines and high rocks - and as we did we listened to "The Unwelcome Fellow Traveller," one of the most haunting and beautiful chapters, I believe, in all the Chronicles of Narnia. It's when Shasta is lost in the mountains alone, and then he feels the presence of someone else with him. He is afraid, and begs to be left alone, and claims he is the unluckiest person in the world. After he tells all his sorrows to the Someone, this is what happens:

"I do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice. 
"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta.
"There was only one lion," said the Voice. 
"What on earth do you mean? I've just told you there were at least two the first night, and-"
"There was only one: but he was swift of foot." 
"How do you know?"
"I was the lion."

I sank into the deeper corners of my heart then, and prayed silently for a while. I thought of my own sorrows, the parts of my own life that I consider unfortunate and tragic. Fears and tears, physical weakness, relational brokenness, and changes and disappointments that have wrenched my heart. And I realized Jesus has been in them all... As Aslan did for Shasta, Jesus has protected me, comforted me, pushed me to develop new strength, and forced me to move in order to live more deeply in Him. He doesn't view my misfortunes as such; He knows the purpose each circumstance has served in my relationship with Him, and He sees them as good. What I see as horrible and hopeless, He sees as opportunities of hope.

Knowing that makes me want to trust Him more and fight against him less. I'm learning that when He promises that His plans for me are good, that doesn't mean everything He allows to happen in my life will feel good or even look good, but the end result, if I choose to trust Him, is very good. He desires to know me and to be known by me, and His plans for me are leading me deeper and deeper into that relationship that brings glory and honor to Him.

Les Miserables

Well it took a little longer than I had planned, but I managed to finish Victor Hugo's (unabridged!) Les Miserables yesterday. (NOTE: If you haven't seen the movie or read the book, be warned that this post is full of spoilers!)

It was beautiful and powerful, amazingly written and woven and expressed... I love the characters like they are my own friends, and cried as each one died. Did I mention almost everyone dies? Ok, so it was terribly depressing and tragic most of the time - what do you expect? it's about miserable people in miserable circumstances. But often times, the smallest glint of the light of love is most evident and most powerful in the darkest places.

When I read "The End," I was actually a little sad... I stared at those two words for a few minutes, wondering about the life of Marius and Cosette, the only to remaining characters in the story whose futures were not known. While I'm sure they lived an easier and happier life that Valjean, I hope they lived with as much purpose and passion as he did... I can't imagine how they couldn't.

The overwhelming theme that I witnessed throughout the story was the powerful effects of grace and mercy.When someone chooses to act in a way that is good, selfless, and merciful - even if the act is a very hard or risky thing to do - it causes a reaction. The one receiving the act of kindness can choose to reject it, accept it for their benefit, or allow it to fill them up to pour into others. The good Bishop risked his comfort and safety to show mercy to Valjean, and from that choice, Valjean's life was changed. He rescued the weak, the poor, the outcast, the hopeless, and the lonely. He extended mercy to his enemies, protected the vulnerable, defended the innocent, and sacrificed his own happiness for the sake of others'. And his choices had a ripple effect, touching so many more lives than he would ever know. Fantine found the courage to hope because she had been given hope; Cosette found the courage to love and trust because she had been shown love; Marius found the courage to forgive and reconcile because he had been rescued and redeemed...

Sound like the gospel to anyone?

I've been spending some time studying 2 Corinthians 9:12-15 this week, and thinking how anything good in me, any good thing I choose to do, has its root in the gospel of grace. It is because of one act of mercy and grace - that while I was still one of "les miserables" Christ came and died in my place, and conquered sin and death so that I could be redeemed and made whole. What an indescribably gift - and this is truth! He did this! And each of us must decide how we will respond to his choice to extend mercy and grace. Like Javert, will you reject it and cling to the law and all its condemnation, putting faith in cold perfection of legal justice that cannot be attained and will never bring peace and joy? Or like Marius, will we be so overwhelmed by what he has done for us that we run to his arms and call him "Father" and experience all the love and freedom and life he has to offer?

And those of us who receive the great gift... how then do we live in response to it? None of the characters in the book responded to grace in reluctant obligation or guilt-imposed bondage. Their great, selfless, heroic deeds were an overflow of what they had received - a passionate compulsion to love others because they had been loved; to pour out mercy because they had been shown mercy. Once you accept the indescribable gift of God, watch how it fills you to overflowing and leads you to pass it on.

Monseigneur Bienvenu

"As we have seen, prayer, celebration of the religious offices, alms, consoling the afflicted, the cultivation of a little  piece of ground, fraternity, frugality, self-sacrifice, confidence, study, and work, filled up each day of his life. Filled up is exactly the word; and in fact, the Bishop's day was full to the brim with good thoughts, good words, and good actions..."

This week I decided to give myself a literary challenge - possibly the biggest one I've ever taken: to read the unabridged classic by Victor Hugo, Les Miserables. I'm currently 140 pages into this 1200-page epic, and I think that, other than the Bible, this may be the richest, most powerful, most challenging, most convicting story I've read. And I think the dearly beloved Bishop, known to his people as "Monseigneur Bienvenu," is my favorite fictional character ever developed.

The quote above is about him, and is supported by a dozen stories of his acts of kindness and compassion and humility. In a few qualities I relate to him and feel a kindredness with him, and in every other quality he possesses I long to be more like him. He has a very real understanding of the weight of eternity, the ministry of reconciliation, the power of forgiveness, the call to serve the poor and defend the weak, the brevity of life - how to purely and completely store up treasures in heaven rather than on earth. These were not forced habits propelled by obligation or guilt - they just naturally flowed from him, without hesitation or anxiety. He expressed the love of Christ as often as he breathed. And though he is only a fictional character, I find myself wanting to live the kind of life he did. Here is another passage that I think explains a little about how such an incredible life is possible:

"He was there alone with himself, collected, tranquil, adoring, comparing the serenity of his heart with the serenity of the skies, moved in the darkness by the visible splendours of the constellations, and the invisible splendour of God, opening his soul to the thoughts which fall from the Unknown. In such moments, offering up his heart at the hour when the flowers of night inhale their perfume, lighted like a lamp in the centre of the starry night, expanding his soul in ecstacy in the midst of the universal radiance of creation, he could not himself perhaps have told what was passing in his own mind; he felt something depart from him, and something descend upon him; mysterious interchanges of the depths of the soul with the depths of the universe..."

He spent time every day in communion with God - in deep, intimate relationship, listening to Him and receiving from Him streams of living water. Throughout the day, his hands and feet were busy serving others, loving and giving everything that was in him. And I think he was able to live in such reckless abandon and selfless sacrifice because his spirit rested and abided in the Lord, allowing him to refresh, restore, renew his measure of strength, grace, goodness, and love. It's as though the fruit of the Spirit was so abundant in his life that he kept giving and giving it, without fear of running out, because it was constantly being reproduced in him... much like the widow's oil in I Kings 17.

It reminds me of a conviction that the Lord has been developing in me lately, from Isaiah 58. Whatever we pour out for the sake of the gospel of Christ, He will renew it in us and overflow us - we will not run dry:

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."

I know that Monseigneur Bienvenu understood this, because he didn't just study it, analyze it, preach about it, write a book about it, teach a class on it; he lived it out daily. And I want to live it out too.

"He would sit upon a wooden bench leaning against a broken trellis and look at the stars through the irregular outlines of his fruit trees. This quarter of an acre of ground, so poorly cultivated, so cumbered with shed and ruins, was dear to him and satisfied him. What was more needed by this old man who divided the leisure hours of his life, where he had so little leisure, between gardening in the day time and contemplation at night? ... what more can be desired? A little garden to walk, and immensity to reflect upon. At his feet something to cultivate and gather; above his head something to study and meditate upon; a few flowers on the earth, and all the stars in the sky."

Book Review: Riverward Dialogues

A couple years ago, Kevan started a blog, and in classic Sir Arthur Conan Doyle style, he posted a brilliant original story, one chapter at a time. I checked in frequently to read... sometimes laughing, sometimes smiling at his witty genius, sometimes screaming because I'd have to wait another week before reading the next installment, and sometimes just staring at the last words of a post and breathing deeply, trying to wrap my brain around what had just happened.

I am thrilled to announce that these posts and all the emotion they conjure up are now available to the general public and specifically to you, in his first ever, highly anticipated, published manuscript, Riverward Dialogues!

The whole story happens in one night, and each chapter is a different dialogue, taking place in some part of the fictional city of Riverward. It's quite artistically pieced together... As you read, you begin to make connections between characters and events and uncover the plot that is mainly focused on two people - a hitman and a detective. Can't really give you more details than that without giving too much away... But I think I can say that my very favorite bits were chapters 4, 10, 13, 16, and 17. I know that doesn't seem very selective, but that's the best I can do... So order your own copy from the link above, and read it - you will be glad you did. And then let me know what your favorite bits are. :)

what it means to be free

Well, it happened. After doing two years of highschool English homework with Nawal, she finally read a book for class that I had not even heard of before. Shocking, for both of us. So when she finished her assignments with the book, she said she really liked it and gave me her student edition to read.

The book was written from the first-person perspective of a guy named Equality 7-2521 who lives in a futuristic collectivist society, where no one is unique, there is no individual identity, and even the word "I" is unknown. He slowly escapes this society and fights to become an individual who is free to think and create and choose based on his preferences and desires.

Knowing that the author grew up in Soviet Russia helps to explain her disdain for collectivism in the extreme, and her passion for independence and self-reliance. But the thing that alarmed me so much was that the hero of her story pole-vaulted from having no concept of self to being completely and utterly self-absorbed. Here are some of the "enlightened revelations" Equality 7-2521 came to by the end of the book:

"And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride. This god, this one word: 'I'." 

"Many words have been granted me, and some are wise, and some are false, but only three are holy: 'I will it!'" 

"My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose...I am a man. this miracle of me is mine to own and keep, and mine to guard, and mine to use, and mine to kneel before!"

"I owe nothing to my brothers, nor do I gather debts from them. I ask none to live for me, nor do I live for any others."

Are these statements distressing to anyone else out there? Can anyone tell me why a high school teacher would want to put these ideas in a teenager's brain? For me, these are disturbing conclusions because they are so opposite of what I've learned that life is about. Here's some of the teachings of the Main Character in my story:

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

"If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

"Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all."

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."

I have hope, joy, forgiveness, and life because the Main Character, Jesus, did not live for himself, but gave his life for me. And my life has purpose and fulfillment and peace when I remember that my life is not my own - it was bought at a high price. It is all about him and for him, and in that, there is the ultimate freedom! And in following him I find that I can love others, show mercy, extend grace, and lay down my life because he did that for me.

24 hours of community

I absolutely love my life.

Last night, 6:00 pm - I found myself in the most picturesque picnic dinner with pasta, a dining table under an autumn tree, real dishes, and an awesomely eclectic and motley crew of neighborhood friends, in that rugged-yet-sophisticated style that "Mumford and Sons" fans could appreciate. The sun set, the air turned cool, and we shuffled next door to the comfort of a bonfire and s'mores and storytelling. We came together because of a birthday, but this night helped us transition from being strangers and neighbors to friends and family.

This morning, 10:00 am - I sat in the corner of my dining room, taking in all the laughter and love oozing from the 23 friends who drank coffee, ate bagels, sang hymns, and generally filled up every inch of space in my living room, dining room, and kitchen. Our little Hobbit Hole was maxed out and I was thrilled! These are friends who love Jesus and love our local community, and want to authentically live on purpose here. I get a rush from just being with people like this, who care about the things I care about and who want to work together to see God's kingdom grow. Like Bilbo Baggins, I anticipate a grand adventure ahead of us.

This afternoon, 3:00 pm - I was sipping a pumpkin chai at my favorite coffee shop with Hannah and two of our dear African girls. We were listening to John Denver and debating if a certain piece of art was a painting or photograph, and one of the girls just leaned back and smiled so big. With a sparkle in her eye she told me how she liked this place because it was so restful and relaxing. I agreed and can't wait to tell the owner, who is a Christian pastor who opened this little establishment to be a light and a blessing to the community. Well done, Sid!

This evening, 5:00 pm - I ate the most amazing Middle Eastern food EVER at my student's house,  in her back sun room that looked out on a huge yard and well-tended garden. Her mother-in-law kept urging me to "Eat! Eat!" and her husband shared with me how his family left Iraq in the '70s and came to America. My student can speak the oldest language known to man, but she chooses to speak English so that we can be friends. As we thanked them and said good-bye, she packed a big bag full of leftovers for us to take home, and gifted us also with a bag of special tea. We're excited to share our international feast with more friends this week.

After 24 hours of beautiful, fulfilling community life, my "love tank" is so full, it's overflowing! I can't believe I get to live like this... being with people, investing in them and sharing with them and receiving from them in a way that is so meaningful and life-giving. Thank you, God, for such an exciting, incredible life!

Our little Hobbit-Hole

"...it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats - the hobbit was fond of visitors... No going upstairs for the hobbit: bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (he had whole rooms devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the lefthand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows..." - p.1, The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien

Hannah and I have been reading The Hobbit together this week, and we think we've come up with the perfect name for our new house. As some of you know already, our old house was called "Little Burma," and we felt our new home needed an endearing title as well, but agreed we needed to wait for inspiration to come. As we began our book with this description of Bilbo Baggins' home in the Hill, we couldn't believe how much it sounded like our house! Sadly, we do not have a round, green door with a brass knob in the middle, but we are hopeful that some clever friend might figure out how to make that happen. :) Otherwise, details are pretty well intact and describe our house on Columbia Ave.

We also felt a special connection with Bag-End because of Bilbo's love for serving tea and visiting with unexpected-but-nevertheless-welcome company. And while it was a peaceful and comfortable place, it was also where great adventures began on more than one occasion.

So we have christened our home, and will henceforth refer to it as "our little Hobbit-Hole," praying for its rooms to be filled with music and stories and beauty, its pantries to be filled with all that is needed for surprise tea parties, its furniture filled with comfort and rest, its pegs filled with lots of hoods, hats, and coats, and its atmosphere filled with anticipated adventures! And you - yes, you, passing traveller, adventure seeker, or local neighbor - you are invited anytime to join us in our little Hobbit-Hole.

The dreams that you wish...

Lately there has been some interesting - and, dare I say it? philosophical - discussions in our house about the Disney classics - the princesses, the princes, and the values that are portrayed. A big value that is hammered into small children through these movies relates to dreams, that if you dream long and hard enough, and if you have faith and patience, your dreams will come true. And we all smile and feel warm and fuzzy and sentimental about that message, as we watch puppets become real boys, mermaids become humans, servants become princesses, beasts become dashing princes, and sleeping ladies wake to ride off to a castle in the clouds.

I just finished reading a book that admits that isn't how life works, even for good people, godly people. And it doesn't matter how hard we pray, wish, or dream, the pain remains, the questions go unanswered, our plans for ourselves and our loved ones do not turn out the way they should. Some dreams that we have either shatter or remain unfulfilled, and because of that, we wonder if God is really good, if he really cares. We cry out to him for intervention, or even to feel his presence, and he remains silent and seems to us to be inactive.

Thing is, God never promised that all our dreams would come true in this life - that was Disney. God never cooed to us that we deserve every happiness in this life - that was Disney. Notice that I said "in this life." We are made for another time and another place, and if we trust in Jesus and abandon ourselves to him, then one day in heaven all our dreams will come true - ten fold, in ways that  are exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. And it's forever! Imagine, your wildest dreams coming true forever and never ending, never getting old or worn out, never dying! But in this life, our dreams - even the really good and honorable ones - are at best temporal, and certainly nothing compared to the dreams God dreams for us.

His dreams are focused on eternity, and based on bringing praise and glory to Him. And the more we press into him, find our joy and delight in him, and fall passionately in love with him, the more beautiful and perfect and thrilling that dream will become to us. But to accomplish his dreams, we must surrender our dreams and allow them to be shattered. We've got to let go of our best in order to grab on to God's best.

And those moments when he seems silent, distant, unconcerned, unaware, inactive? He is not. He is always listening, always working. One (of many) of my favorite quotes from the book is this: "When God seems most absent from us, He is doing his most important work in us... He vanishes from our sight to do what he could not do if we could see him." We must stop assuming things based on our emotions and remember the truth that never fails: he will never leave us or forsake us.

To understand and live in these truths takes a lot more than reading a book or writing a blog. It takes a lot of pain and surrender and silence to develop the kind of faith and trust needed to embrace God's dreams. There is so much more to say about this, but I pray this will encourage you: Do not lose heart! Though outwardly our bodies and plans and dreams are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day in the image and attitude of our Lord Jesus.

It's personal to me

Have you ever read the Bible, or a devotional entry, or a Bible study, or heard a sermon, or a testimony, or a song, that felt like it was directly written for you? It's as though the author or speaker had a special insight into the private details of your current life situation and the feelings you are having about it in the deepest corners of your soul, and nailed the bulls-eye on what you needed to hear.

I have this book called Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young... and I'm not normally a "5-minute daily devotional thought" kind of girl, but I have gotten in the habit of reading the daily words of this book during my morning nebulizer routine. And it seems like every day has a truth, promise, or challenge that I need for that specific day... sometimes I don't realize it until later in the day, and sometimes I think, How did she know I woke up with that thought or attitude?

Mom and I have been going through the video series of Beth Moore's Esther Bible study whenever I'm at home, and it seems like every video knocks the wind out of me, leaving me breathless and wondering, How could she have said the very truth I have so recently forgotten to apply to my life?

In my personal quiet time, I've been studying the book of Mark and meditating on 1 John. And as I journal and process what I am learning, I am amazed: How can the words written 2,000 years ago be so relevant and speak so directly to my heart?

I think it's because God is the true Author behind all of this, inspiring people to write down, speak, or sing his truth that doesn't change. His word is living and active and sharper than a sword. It penetrates and divides our soul and spirit, and judges our thoughts and heart attitudes (Hebrews 4:12). When I ask the Holy Spirit to teach and counsel me, when I open myself up to his discipline and challenges, when I long to remember his truth and promises... he does! He makes printed words come alive in my heart; he makes ancient stories relevant to my situation; he makes letters written to early churches and books that have sold a million copies personal to me. And it's because he is an alive, relevant, and personal God. He knows my heart and my thoughts, and he does have incredible insights into the private details of my current life situation, and he knows the things I will face throughout the day before I do. And he desires - longs - to be known by me, too.

I am so thankful that his promise is true: ask, and you will receive; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened.

Tea Time!

In case you haven't heard yet... this year my first book was published! It's simple and small and sweet, "without any high-faluting mumbo-jumbo," but it's mine, and I'm so excited to share it with you. It's a collection of short stories and poems and devotional thoughts I've written over a span of about five years, about my family, friends, international experiences, fun memories, and special moments with God.

http://www.publishamerica.net/sc/productsearch.cgi?search_field=tea+time&storeid=*244418b8a4d4d3cc24ffc141fbae7811634e60e7

It is currently available to order for $10, if you click on the link above. After Thanksgiving, the publishing company is doubling the price, so I wanted to give you an opportunity to order your own copy - and get lots more as holiday gifts - before then! And if you get it and read it, please write to me and give me some feedback. I hope that it is a blessing and encouragement to you!

Freckles, ruby slippers, and oatmeal cookies

Good news - I'm feeling stronger and more energetic, and needing fewer naps! Also enjoying some of my favorite things more... this is when retreats get better. :)

Reading a charming book named Freckles, an old favorite of my Aunt Ruth, who gave it to me this summer. It's set in Indiana in the early 1900s, in the Limberlost - which is around Decatur, not an hour from where I live! Definitely a day-trip exploration this fall (hint, Hannah!)... though I sadly doubt that the fairyland garden that Freckles created is still there... more to come on that.

The other night I went out for ice cream with my dear friend, Leigh Ann, and as we sat on the patio deep in conversation, I let the last couple bites of my ice cream melt into creamy soup in the bottom of my cup, with the cherry stem floating lazily inside. I use my hands a lot when I talk (a habit which I think developed as an ESL teacher, more than anything), and at  one point, knocked my cup over, spilling ice cream soup on my pants and into my ruby slippers. Leigh Ann and I have had just about every adventure imaginable together, so we laughed this one off as I carried my shoes into the restroom and she helped me clean up. With my weird imagination, I couldn't help but think there should be an alternate backstory - a much more entertaining, and perhaps even romatic story - to having ice cream-filled ruby slippers... more to come on that one, too.

And now I must sign off, because the smell of freshly-baked homemade cookies is far too distracting... Mom seems to think it necessary to have homemade baked goods always on hand at The Spoon-Drop Inn, which I don't mind, except that it is making me very spoiled, and well... any weight I lost in the hospital has been generously redeemed. Oh, well. I can't resist, because they are my favorite: oatmeal cookies with dark chocolate chips and craisins!

"I Won't Grow Up!...or Will I?", or Understanding Wendy

Many of you already know of my fascination (obsession?) with the story of Peter Pan. This week Hannah and I have been watching movies related to Peter Pan, and I've been re-reading the charming tale by J.M. Barrie. So as nice as birthdays can be, what with the presents and special attentions and thoughtful words, each one is a reminder to me of the ticking croc of Time that chases all of us... even me. In my heart I don't want to grow up, and I think a part of me never will, but still...

Yesterday was not without its magic, though. It has rained here for the past week or so, and yesterday morning burst bright and clear, with very green grass and very yellow dandelions, and sparkling raindrops on everything. I was peppered with notes and cards and phone calls and gifts and hugs all day long, which filled my love-tank up to the brim. And the day ended with chocolate treats shared with my very own beloved collection of "Lost Girls" dancing and singing and refusing to go to bed.

Funny thing is, this year I relate more to the character of Wendy than I ever have before. Last night, one of my girls told me - for the second time - that I am like a "Momma" to her and the other girls. Momma - not Auntie, or Sister, or Friend as I have been before with other girls. And I've found that as much as I love to play, I am more aware of responsibilities and needs and problems than before, and sometimes it causes me to leave the games and sit at the window, keeping a cautious eye on my kids or removing potential dangers as I notice them. I love talking with them about their day and helping them with homework and giving advice or encouragement. I feel happy when I know they are safe and well, and I worry when they aren't. If they needed patches for their clothes, I'd probably love to do that too!

Wendy went to Neverland because she was enchanted by the thought of never growing up, always pretending and being part of the play. And yet, when she tried to do that she found herself stepping into the role of the adult. Part of her loved that role and when she played it she realized that afterall, she did in fact want to grow up. (Yes, for those of you sad people out there who don't know the story, she leaves her childhood behind in Neverland, goes home, and grows up. I would call a "Spoiler Alert," but really, you should know this by now.) Ironically, she brings back the Lost Boys with her and adopts them all, which is a dream I have also developed.

Not that I feel like I'm so mature now... I am still childish about so many things and resist grown-up things whenever I can. The saddest thing about Wendy is that it seems she gave up her childhood - imagination, fun, nonsense, innocence - completely. I think it is possible to grow up in good ways and still retain the charm and beauty of the spirit of youth. That is something I want to work hard to preserve as I transition into adulthood. I love Peter Pan, and am not willing to give up Neverland quite yet.

Do Harder Things.

"[In our society] being an exception means that compared to the irresponsibility, immaturity, and incompetence expected from [you], you are officially 'above average.' Wow. A gold star for you." - Alex and Brett Harris

"What's the hardest thing you've ever done?" I asked Kelsey, as our philosophical discussion continued. She pondered, said she didn't know, and asked me likewise. I also didn't know, though memories of various times in my life flickered across my mind. "There have been things that I thought would be hard, but when I did them they didn't seem so bad," I commented, trying to keep the conversation alive. She said, "There are definitely times that I remember thinking, 'This is the hardest thing,' but then something else would happen and I'd think, 'No, this is the hardest thing...'"

It seems that "the hardest thing" is subjective and ever-changing. I remember breezing through and loving grad school, and my mom saying that what most people find crazy-hard, I made look so easy. And honestly, it was easy for me...and dare I say, fun? Most people would say serving at-risk teenagers in Winston-Salem or refugee kids in Fort Wayne would be a pretty hard thing, and they are, but man, it is so worth it all in a way only truly dedicated youth workers can understand. I would have thought spending a winter in Indiana with internationals who really love their tamarind leaves would be the hardest thing I'd ever done, but it's been one of the most exciting experiences of my life. Maybe having to trust and depend on strangers to help me with my very-personal needs over the past ten years has been the hardest thing... or admitting I need help in a new situation... some days it's just mustering up the joy and emotional strength to get out of bed in the morning... but God's grace is always sufficient, so those hard things are never too hard.

The Harris twins talk about doing hard things, not based on what the world expects (which isn't much), but what God expects (which is holiness); not what society says is hard across the mediocre board, but what is truly a challenge and stretch for you as an individual. And don't compare yourself with others, like, "Well, I did my homework when no one else did," or "At least I drive the speed limit." Those are things we should all do, and so doing them is not hard or exceptional... what is exceptionally hard? And don't make excuses for yourself to be pathetic. When I think about the "hard things" that have come up in my life, I think that I could probably quit doing hard things now and no one would think less of me... after all, a girl in a wheelchair can only be expected to do and accomplish so much, right? And yet... it's not about me and what I can or can't do. It has everything to do with God and his work and power. My strengths or weaknesses do not define how great God is.So I can't and won't use my disabilities and obstacles as excuses to do easy things.

So what is the next harder thing? I love challenges - from jigsaw puzzles to adventurous road excursions, I love being a part of things that are bigger than me. I like the harder things! And I don't want to stop. I don't want to be content in past "achievements" or complacent in my "accomplishments." What's the next harder thing God is calling me to?  Because, see, the hardest thing is looking at the thing from a distance and realizing, "There is no way I can do that. It is too big, it demands too much, I will look foolish, I will mess it up..." The potential for failure is the terrifying thing. But when it is God asking you to do it, then you cannot fail if you obey. Just show up, take the first step, say "yes," and leave the rest to him. If it is his idea, He will make it happen. It is God who works in you, to will and to act according to his good purpose. So don't look at all the potential you have to ruin God's plans... look instead at all the ways God has proven himself faithful in your life and in all those who came before you. He has promised to be with you and do great things in you and through you... and He who has promised is faithful.

What is the next harder thing God is calling you to do?

Do Hard Things... like hop.

This weekend, our fun outing was to go see the new animated movie, Hop, which is about the Easter bunny. It was cute and funny and oh-so-cheesey. But in analyzing the two main characters (which I promise, my brain does automatically and I don't even realize it most of the time), I saw that they iconicize the American teen/20-something (how sad that those two generations look so much a like now?). E.B. is a young, cool, teen bunny who is expected to take over the family business and who really just wants to be a drummer in a band. Fred is a 20-something guy who is expected to get (and keep) a job that pays money and live in his own place (not his parents'), and he really just wants to wait for the perfect job and become something great like he was always told he could be. I could relate in some ways... probably because I'm part of this generation... the generation that wants to believe we are special and meant to do important, meaningful things and not get stuck in a job that will slowly kill our dreams...

"What is a real job, anyway?" That was the philosophical discussion Kelsey and I were having yesterday after sitting in the sun too long and eating too much squishy chocolate. "There's no such thing," Kelsey said. I wanted to argue, wanted to make a good point about being special, but just couldn't formulate it at that time...

I'm reading this excellent book that Hannah gave me, called Do Hard Things. It's by Alex and Brett Harris... yes, if the name "Harris" rings a bell for you, they are the twin younger brothers of the infamous Joshua Harris of I Kissed Dating Good-bye. "Not another Harris book!" I thought, but two things about the cover convinced me to read it anyway: 1) The subtitle is "A teenage rebellion against low expectations," which I strongly believe is a message that not only teenagers need to hear, but also 20-30 somethings... as made obvious by Hop, and 2) The forward is by Chuck Norris. 'Nough said. I'm about halfway through the book now...

"Ok, no really," I said between bites of the mac 'n' cheese and tuna Kelsey made for me today, "what is a real job?" Is it based on money and stability and society-defined responsibility, or usefulness and purpose? "I just have been thinking so much about the movie and this book and our culture, and I feel like I'm on the edge of something profound and brilliant, but... this tuna keeps cramping my philosophy..."

Because see, the Harris' are talking about how to take good risks, do more than is expected, do things bigger than yourself, etc., and that sort of talk brings out the Supergirl in me, and I start to feel mighty... and then I remember that there are people I know who have big dreams and who feel stuck... saving the world (or even just trying to help it a little) does not often come with a salary and good benefits. In the belief that we are special, in the persuit of greatness, we get smacked with box-lunch expectations that make us feel like we need to settle or else we are losers with impossible dreams.

"Ok, well... while you work through all that, here's what I think..." Kelsey said after she finished her bite of easy mac. "What if it's different for Christians... 'Cause... when I look at the Bible, I see that the people who did great things weren't looking for greatness. Like... Moses was taking care of sheep in the middle of nowhere... and God found him and decided to do something great in him. Our society tells us to persue greatness, but... maybe we should just obey and follow God, and let him do the great things."

Wow. There it is. My focus had been so much on what I do or don't do to achieve great things, that I missed the point that it is God who wants to do and act according to his good purpose in us. Because it's true - we are special, and are destined for greatness, and we should never settle or compromise what we are called to do. And Kelsey and I agree that we still need to have goals and dreams, we still need to take chances and be smart, resourceful, and responsible, we still need to do the hard things... and in all that - in living our lives out with our focus and devotion on God, we will see the great things he will do in us.

Do what is true.

Today I just finished reading a book called, No Graven Image. It's the only novel Elisabeth Elliot ever had published... didn't even know until recently that she had written a novel, did you? It's an amazing and powerful story, and I highly recommend it. But I don't want this post to turn into a book critique or plot summary, so I'll just let you read it for yourself, and if you want to talk about it when you've read it let me know and we'll get together and share.

There was a phrase used several times throughout the book: "Do what is true." I've been thinking a lot about what that means, and how to apply it to my life. "True" signifies authenticity, I'm sure, but what does it look like? When I live authentically, what are my motives and intents? And are they "pure" because they are good or because I am being honest? Sometimes when I am honest with myself I see that my motives are not good. Are my actions just means to an end that I anticipate, or are they truly an overflow of God's love in me? How do I distinguish between doing things with a purpose and doing things with an agenda... or is there a difference?

Jesus always did what is true. His responses to people were always linked directly to the attitude of his heart toward them and toward God's will. Why did he teach people? To show them the Father. Why did he do miracles? To give glory to the Father. Why did he love people? ...For me, that is hard to answer. It is a mystery to me why he loves me. The Bible doesn't say why he loves me, just that he does. Does he need a reason? I'm guessing that the reason is hidden in the Father, too, and his divine purposes.

So I teach people English so they can communicate and thrive in America, their new home. I teach people Bible stories through pictures and gestures to show them my friend and Lord, Jesus. I tutor students so they can learn and grow and gain confidence in their abilities. I pray for miracles so as to give glory to the Father before all people. But why do I love? Why do I spend time building friendships and investing time in relationships? Why do I hang out and play games and eat food with others? Sometimes I wonder if my love has an agenda, or if it really is as selfless and unconditional as I want it to be. I think I need to let go of my preconceptions of where my love will lead, and just love for the sake of loving. Love is patient and kind, which makes me think that Love does not press for a result. It continues to love whether or not a result is reached. It may cause heartbreak and pain on the Lover's part when response is delayed or denied, but it doesn't stop loving.

I think this is true: God has his own plan, and so he calls me to love. I don't need to manipulate or plot ulterior motives, because he doesn't need my help in accomplishing his purposes. But maybe if I am faithful in "Doing what is true" - that is, Love, then He can work through that Love to do his will.

Vote for Wally!

I am really excited to tell you about the first children's book in my friend Marty's series, "The Adventures of Wally the Wheelchair," and I've decided it is high time I share that excitement with you!

The author, Marty, is a long-time friend of mine who has been a role-model for me. He has Spina Bifida, and uses a manual chair to get around. I look up to him because he has always been a trail-blazer for handi-capability in our community - he was one of the first students with a disability to attend a Forsyth County public school (Parkland), he is very athletic and has played many sports like tennis, basketball, and bowling, he coaches pee-wee teams and was a department store security guard for many years. Beyond his abilities and successes, Marty has a contagious optimism and love for life, a great sense of humor, and a solid sense of purpose and hope. He lives life to the fullest with his wife, Angela, and his daughter, Sarah, in Arcadia, NC.

The little boy in Marty's book is named Timmy, and the story of Timmy is really the story of Marty. Wally is a children's wheelchair, inspired by Marty's first wheelchair, and the experiences that Timmy and Wally have - for better or worse - are very much like the experiences Marty and his wheelchairs have had... and the experience many kids with disabilities have. These stories are positive and up-beat, funny and adventurous, and are meant to inspire and encourage kids with disabilities in a way no children's book has done before.

Timmy, the main character, is a little boy who cannot walk (his specific disability is not labeled), and his best friend is the wheelchair that helps him do all the things he cannot do alone. Because they have each other, the world is not a frightening and limited place anymore, but one grand adventure.


Aren't they cute?! My brother, Andrew Chandler, is doing the artwork for the book, so look for more great illustrations to come!
Not only will it benefit children with disabilities, but it will also help families who are trying to figure out how to do life with a disability - what things need to change, what obstacles need to be hurdled, what opportunities need to be sought out, what assistance needs to be fought for, and what things need to stay as close to "normal" as possible. It can also be a great tool to use with able-bodied children who meet peers with disabilities and have lots of questions.
Marty and I feel strongly that this is a much-needed resource that we would like to market to families, special needs schools, children's hospitals, summer camps, and wheelchair manufacturers. In order to make this dream come true, Marty submitted his idea to the "Pepsi Refresh Grant," which accepts 1,000 proposals each month for things that average people want to do to have a positive impact. But only 10 each month get accepted for grant funding! So we need you to vote for his idea, so it can have a better chance of being one of those 10. All you gotta do is click on the "Vote for this idea" button on the right panel of my blog.
Thanks so much for your support! We'll keep you all updated on this exciting project!

May Day

The first day of May was spent as it always should... I got up early and went for a swim with Mom - both of us in our chic new bathsuits. Then I had breakfast tea with my Kevan. Then I went to the park with some dear friends and we feasted on popsicles beside Mallard Lake and hiked to the horses stables, rose garden, and the manor house... we got sunkissed and filled with joy, sharing good stories and bad jokes and life together. Then my family had a cook-out on our back porch (new porch furniture!) and it ended with finishing off my magnificent black forest birthday cake.

Kevan and I finished Book the Fifth in Lemony Snicket's Series this evening, and I own Book the Sixth, so I'm sure we will be starting it ASAP... now that the V.F.D. has been mentioned. He got me The Beatrice Letters which I absolutely love, but cannot share with him until he has finished reading the Series... it wouldn't make sense otherwise and anyway it would completely spoil the ending. So the goal is to read through the rest of the Series as quickly as possible so I can share my beloved Letters with my beloved reading partner.

As of tonight, I have completely sworn off chocolate for the month of May. I had far too much of it in April, and while I thoroughly enjoyed all the special treats such as truffles, black forest cake, Klondike bars, cherry M&Ms, and chocolate-WOWs... my body did not respond well to it all. So taking a break and trying to get myself in a good shape. No chocolate... or chips. Hold me to it, people, hold me to it.

Pro-active goals are to finish reading the four books I've started in the past two weeks, to listen to more music in my leisure time, write some poetry (besides haiku), consciously work to improve the circulation in my legs and feet, and to get a job for the fall. The list may grow, but these are the essential basics. Monthly resolutions seem to be much more managable and effective for me.

I hope you all had a beautiful and enjoyable May Day!